phillipbbg

JOKES just some light relief....

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HMN: So Hillary Calls President Trump ...

Posted By: Watchman
Date: Monday, 31-Jul-2017 22:56:16

 

Hillary phoned the President’s office shortly after midnight.
“I need to talk to President Trump, it’s an emergency!” exclaimed Hillary.

After some cajoling, the President’s assistant agreed to disturb his boss’s study time.
“So, what is it that’s so important it can’t wait until morning?” grumbled Trump.

“Supreme Court Judge Ginsburg just died, and I would like to take her place,” begged Hillary.

“Well, it’s alright with me, if it’s OK with the funeral home,” replied President Trump.

Source http://www.rumormillnews.com/cgi-bin/forum.cgi?read=80384

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Another joke that reminded me of Aco'..

 

"What kind of bee's produce milk"?

 

 

"Boobees"

 

:)

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A newly ordained priest, nervous about hearing confessions, finally asks an older priest to observe how he does and to give some tips.

After listening in on the second confession the older priest suggested that the younger man fold his arms and maybe rub his chin with one hand while saying phrases like "I see" or "I understand" or "Yes my child. Go on".

The young priest puts the suggestions into practice and later tells the older priest how much it has helped getting more information from his flock.

"You've done well" said the older man "isn't that much better than slapping your knee and yelling 'No way! What happened next?”

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Montreal Artist Expertly Pranks Police With Fake Car Made of Snow

Jan. 18, 2018     Andrew MacFarlane

Capturemaprank.JPG

A closeup of artist Simon Laprise's snow car. (Simon Laprise/L.S.D. Designs)

 

"Montreal artist Simon Laprise spent four hours sculpting a false vehicle in a snow removal zone.
Amused by the fake car, officers left a ticket which read "You made our night!! Hahahahaha :)".
Laprise's car was unfortunately demolished in the morning by removal crews.


When life gives you snow, you make a fake car out of it in a snow removal zone to play a prank on police officers and snowplow drivers alike. That's how that saying goes, right?

Well, it does if you're 33-year-old Montreal machinist and artist Simon Laprise of L.S.D. Laprise Simon Designs. A resident of the borough Ahuntsic-Cartierville, Laprise spent his Sunday afternoon molding the recently fallen snow into a DeLorean DMC-12, as made famous by the movie Back to the Future."

https://weather.com/news/news/2018-01-19-montreal-artist-pranks-police-fake-snow-car

This was great.  There are 5 pics altogether, and I'd bet every cop on the beat that night, checked it out.  

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Serious Coffee Problems

Made coffee - forgot to add coffee.

Made coffee - forgot to add water.

Made coffee - forgot I already made coffee."

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On Autopilot

"I got out of the shower, dried off, and grabbed my comb. I then grabbed the toothpaste, applied toothpaste to the comb, and paused...

I only stopped because for a few seconds I legitimately did not know if I was supposed to brush my teeth or comb my hair. I knew I should do one or the other, but I also knew I couldn't do both with what I had in my hand. So I just stood there looking at my comb with a glob of toothpaste spread across it. Then I looked in the mirror and wondered if I was still dreaming.

Then I snapped out of it, had a good chuckle, rinsed off my comb, and got on with my routine as normal."

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A stockman named Bruce was overseeing his herd on the stock route in Western Queensland when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the stockman, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

Bruce looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3® cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany ...Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry® and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the stockman and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bruce. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then Bruce says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Senator from Canberra", says Bruce.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the stockman. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog."
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
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5 hours ago, landdownunder said:

On Autopilot

"I got out of the shower, dried off, and grabbed my comb. I then grabbed the toothpaste, applied toothpaste to the comb, and paused...

I only stopped because for a few seconds I legitimately did not know if I was supposed to brush my teeth or comb my hair. I knew I should do one or the other, but I also knew I couldn't do both with what I had in my hand. So I just stood there looking at my comb with a glob of toothpaste spread across it. Then I looked in the mirror and wondered if I was still dreaming.

Then I snapped out of it, had a good chuckle, rinsed off my comb, and got on with my routine as normal."

Which is the result of:

Serious Coffee Problems

Made coffee - forgot to add coffee.

Made coffee - forgot to add water.

Made coffee - forgot I already made coffee."

Just remember - Coffee = Petrol in Humans...

 

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The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any Two points in his body.. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.* 
*The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.* 
*The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked Out with $96,000.* 
*The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied,* 
*'From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.'* 
*It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had received.* 
*But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.* 
*The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,' which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. "Dear Lord!", he suddenly exclaimed,*

*''Where are your testicles?''* 
*The old Chief calmly replied, '' Vietnam ''.*

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The tale of two prawns. (shrimps in the US)

Two prawns, Justin and Christian, were sick and tired of being at the bottom of the food chain.

Always frightened, always hiding, always hunted and eaten by others.

"I'm so sick of this Chris, we have to find a way to make our lives safer and better", said Justin.

So Justin the prawn wished and wished and wished, and then one day a magical Cod appeared before him, and asked what he wished for?

"I want to be a great big white pointer shark"! exclaimed Justin, "Then no-one will get me".

*P*O*O*F*!!! and the magical Cod transformed little Justin into a great white shark.

Justin was so excited and he swam really fast to where Chris and the others were hiding.

"It's me, it's me"!!! bellowed Justin, but the others didnt recognise him, and were terrified, and dispersed in all directions.

Poor Justin was so upset, and after a few weeks of being alone, decided that being a little prawn wasnt so bad, as at least he had his friends.

So he wished and wished and wished, and the magical Cod once again appeared and granted him his wish, returning him to a prawn.

Justin swam over to Chris's little house and banged on the locked door.

He knocked and knocked, but scared little Christian wouldnt come out.

So Justin cried out -

"I found Cod, and I'm a prawn-again-Christian"!!

 

[boom tish]

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A woman from Los Angeles who was a tree hugging, liberal Democrat and an anti-hunter purchased a piece of timberland near Colville, WA . There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree.

As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.

In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a Democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited three hours before the doctor re-appeared.The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"

He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a 'recreational area' so close to a Waste Treatment Facility.

And I'm sorry, but due to Obama-Care they turned you down.

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The Only Thing Flat-Earthers Fear..... 

Is Sphere Itself.

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