phillipbbg

JOKES just some light relief....

297 posts in this topic

One of my granddaughters also 3 at the time attempted this, fortunately she couldn't get all the way in, just her legs hanging out of the opening. She was pulled kicking and screaming from the machine, minus the stuffed toy she was after.

https://www.thesun.co.uk/news/3136974/hilarious-moment-three-year-old-finds-his-way-into-toy-machine-in-play-centre-and-gets-trapped-inside/

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Brenda was in the fertilised egg business. She had several hundred young 'pullets' and ten roosters to fertilise their eggs. She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters. Each bell had a different tone so she could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now, she could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

Brenda's favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but one morning she noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When she went to investigate she saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. To Brenda's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

Brenda was so proud of old Butch, she entered him in the Brisbane Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well. Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Vote carefully in the next election, you can't always hear the bells.

 

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60th High School Reunion

He was a widower and she a widow.
They had known each other for a number of years
being high school classmates and having attended class reunions in the past without fail....
This 60th anniversary of their class, the widower and the widow made a foursome with two other singles.
They had a wonderful evening, their spirits high.
The widower throwing admiring glances across the table. The widow smiling coyly back at him.
Finally, he picked up courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"
After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered, "Yes,..... yes I will!"
The evening ended on a happy note for the widower.
But the next morning he was troubled.
Did she say Yes? or did she say No?
He couldn't remember.
Try as he would, he just could not recall.
He went over the conversation of the previous evening, but his mind was blank.
He remembered asking the question but for the life of him he could not recall her response.
With fear and trepidation, he picked up the phone and called her.
First, he explained that he couldn't remember as well as he used to.Then he reviewed the past evening.
As he gained a little more courage he then inquired of her.
"When I asked if you would marry me, did you say Yes? or did you say No?
"Why you silly man, I said Yes. Yes I will ! And I meant it with all my heart."
The widower was delighted. He felt his heart skip a beat.
Then she continued. "And I am so glad you called because I couldn't remember who asked me!”

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A student in chemistry class was instructed to create a new substance by mixing some special ingredient with water.But the student chose the wrong ingredient and the teacher realized mixing it with water would create an explosion.

He stopped the student and asked him to first stir the water in the bucket for five minutes before adding the ingredient. The student wanted to know what that would accomplish.

The teacher answered, "It will give me time to get away."

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And lo, in the year 2016 the Lord came unto Noah who was now living in the United States and said:
"Once again the earth has become wicked and over-populated and I see the end of all flesh before me, build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans."
He gave Noah the blueprints saying "You have 6 months to build the ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."
Six months later the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard, but there was no ark. "Noah! I'm about to start the rain! Where is the ark?"
"Forgive me Lord" begged Noah "but things have changed."
"I needed a building permit."
"I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system."
"My neighbours claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision."
"Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us but they would hear nothing of it."
"Getting the wood was another problem, there's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl, I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls, but no go!"
"When I started gathering the animals an animal rights group sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space."
"Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood."
"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew."
"Immigration and Naturalization are checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work."
"The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.
"To make matters worse the IRS seized all my assets claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species, so forgive me Lord but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."
Suddenly, the skies cleared, the sun began to shine and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"
"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."

 

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A Minister was passing a group of young teens sitting on the church lawn and stopped to ask what they were doing.


"Nothing much Pastor" replied one boy "we were just seeing who can tell the biggest lie about their sex life."


"Boys, boys, boys!" he scolded "I'm shocked, when I was your age I never even thought about sex."


In unison they all replied "You win!"

 

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The math teacher saw that Daphne wasn't paying attention in class.

She called on her and said, "Daphne! What are 2 and 4, and 28 and 44?"

Daphne quickly replied, "ABC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"

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Three friends married women from different parts of the world.

The first man married a Greek girl. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a Thai girl. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Australia. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal.

The first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything either but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye. His arm was healed enough so that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.

He still has some difficulty when he urinates.

 

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Ah, those Brits are good at humour........

 

QUOTES FROM BRITISH MILITARY ANNUAL STAFF APPRAISALS

1. His men would follow him anywhere but only out of curiosity.

2. I would not breed from this Officer.

3. This man is depriving a village somewhere of its idiot.

4. This Officer can be likened to a small puppy - he runs around excitedly, leaving little messes for other people to clean up.

5. This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, more of a definitely won't-be.

6. When she opens her mouth it seems only to change whichever foot was previously in there.

7. Couldn't organise 50% leave in a 2-man submarine.

8. He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.

9. He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.

10. Technically sound but socially impossible.

11. The occasional flashes of adequacy are marred by an attitude of apathy and indifference.

12 When he joined my ship this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably.

13. This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.

14. This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope, always spinning around at a frantic pace but not really going anywhere.

15. Since my last report he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

16. She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

17. He has the wisdom of youth and the energy of old age.

18. This Officer should go far and the sooner he starts, the better.

19. In my opinion this pilot should not be authorised to fly below 250 feet.

20. The only ship I would recommend for this man is citizenship.

21. Couldn't organise a woodpecker's picnic in Sherwood Forest.

22. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

23. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

24. Gates are down, the lights are flashing but the train isn't coming.

25. Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.

26. If he were any more stupid he'd have to be watered twice a week.

27. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.

28. If you stand close enough to him you can hear the ocean.

29. It's hard to believe that he beat 1 000 000 other sperm.

30. A room temperature IQ.

31. Got a full 6-pack but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.

32. A gross ignoramus,143 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

33. He has a photographic memory but has the lens cover glued on.

34. He has been working with glue too long.

35. When his IQ reaches 50 he should sell.

36. This man hasn't got enough grey matter to sole the flip-flop of a one legged budgie.

37. If two people are talking and one looks bored, he's the other one.

38. One-celled organisms would out score him in an IQ test.

39. He donated his body to science before he was done using it
.

40. Fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.

41. He's so dense light bends around him.

42. If brains were taxed he'd get a rebate.

43. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.

44. Takes him 1½ hours to watch 60 minutes.

45. Wheel is turning but the hamster is long dead. 

 

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Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy". I call my dog "Sex".


Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to get his license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex. He said, "I'd like to have one too." Then I said, "But this is a dog." He said I didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "You don't understand, I've had Sex since I was 9 year old." He said I must have been quite a kid.


When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the hotel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the place was for sex. I said, "You don't understand, Sex keeps me awake at night." The Clerk said, "Me too."


One day I entered Sex in a contest but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex entered in the contest. He told me that I should have sold tickets. "But you don't understand", I said, "I had hoped to have Sex on television." He called me a show-off.


When my wife and I separated, we went to court to file for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I got married." The judge said, "Me too." Then I told him that after I was married, Sex had left me. He said, "Me too."


Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in this alley at 4 in the morning?" I said, "I'm looking for Sex..."


My case comes up on Friday...

 

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Things To Ponder....

Posted By: Watchman
Date: Monday, 22-May-2017 20:48:25

 

-----------
WHATEVER HITS THE FAN WILL
NOT BE DISTRIBUTED EVENLY.
----------
I have kleptomania,
but when it gets bad,
I take something for it.
-----------------

FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS!
Except that one where you're naked in church.


--------------------

Kinky is using a feather.
Perverted is using the whole chicken.
----------------

Heaven is Where:
The Police are British,
The Chefs are Italian,
The Mechanics are German,
The Lovers are French and
It's all organized by the Swiss.

Hell is Where:
The Police are German,
The Chefs are British,
The Mechanics are French,
The Lovers are Swiss and
It's all organized by the Italians.
--------------------------------

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
------------------

My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my short-term memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
---------------------

In just two days from now ,
tomorrow will be yesterday.
---------------------

A bartender is just a pharmacist
with a limited inventory.
---------------------

The statement below is true.
The statement above is false.
-----------------------------

I may be schizophrenic,
but at least I have each other.
-----------------------

I am a Nobody.
Nobody is Perfect.
Therefore I am Perfect.
---------------------

I'm not your type.
I'm not inflatable.
-----------------

Dyslexics Have More Nuf
-----------------------

In Memorium

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at age 93.

The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.

They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.
------------------

I LOVE COOKING WITH WINE
Sometimes I even put it in the food.
----------------------

When you work here,
you can name your own salary.
I named mine, "Fred".
--------------------

money isn't everything,
but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
-------------------------

Reality is only an illusion
that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.
----------------------------

Red meat is not bad for you
Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
-----------------------

I am having an out-of-money experience.
-------------------------

Don't sweat the petty things.
Don't pet the sweaty things.
------------------------

Corduroy pillows are making headlines!
-----------------------------

I want to die while asleep like my grandfather,
not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
--------------------------

Source http://www.rumormillnews.com/cgi-bin/forum.cgi?read=75971

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A second grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. One day, she asked Jimmy what his problem was. He replied, “I’m too smart for the second grade, my sister is in the fourth grade, and I’m smarter than her too.”

The teacher took him to the principal’s office and explained the situation to the principal. The principal told her that he would give Jimmy a test. If he failed to answer one question, then he would have to go back to the second grade and be quiet. The teacher and Jimmy both agreed.

Principal: “What is 3 x 3?”

Jimmy: “9.”

Principal: “6 x 6?”

Jimmy: “36.”

And so it went on like this, the principal asked him every question a fourth grader should know. Finally, after about an hour, he told the teacher “I see no reason why Jimmy can’t go to the fourth grade, he answered all of my questions right.”

The teacher asked if she could ask him some questions. The principal and Jimmy agree.

Teacher: “What does a cow have 4 of that I only have 2 of?”

Jimmy: “Legs”

Teacher: “What do you have in your pants that I don’t have?”

The principal gasps but before he can stop him from answerin gJimmy says, “Pockets.”

Teacher: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?”

Jimmy: “Pants.”

Teacher: “What starts with F and ends with K and means a lot of excitement?”

Jimmy: “Firetruck.”

The principal breaths a big sigh of relief and says “Put Jimmy in the fourth grade. I got the last 4 questions wrong myself.”

By Jake Manning

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Housework was a woman's job, but one evening, Janice arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer. Dinner was on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished!

It turns out that Chuck had read an article that said, 'Wives who work full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex'.

The night went very well. The next day, Janice told her Red Hat friends all about it. 'We had a great dinne...r. Chuck even cleaned up the kitchen. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed the evening.'

'But what about afterward?' asked her friends.

'Oh, that.......... Chuck was too tired.'

God is good

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I feel like I am getting closer to this every day :)

THOUGHTS WHILE GOING TO SLEEP

Posted By: Nemesis [Send E-Mail]
Date: Monday, 10-Jul-2017 07:47:13

 

1. My goal for 2016 was to lose 20 pounds ... only 25 to go.

2. Ate salad for dinner ... mostly croutons and tomatoes ... really just one big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce ... and cheese. Okay, FINE, it was a pizza ... I ate a pizza!

3. How to prepare Tofu in two easy steps:

1. Throw it in the trash.

2. Grill some meat.

4. I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.

5. I don't mean to brag but. I finished my 14-days of diet food in 3 hours and 20 minutes.

6. A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.

7. Kids today don't know how easy they have it ... when I was young, I had to walk over 9 feet of shag carpet to change the TV channel.

8. Senility has been a smooth transition for me.

9. Remember back when we were kids, and every time it was below zero outside, they closed school? Me neither.

10. I may not be that funny, or athletic, or good looking, or smart, or talented ... I forgot where I was going with this.

11. I love being over 70; I learn something new every day, and forget 5 others.

12. A thief broke into my house last night, and started searching for money. I got up, and searched with him.

13. I think I'll just put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead, and call it a day.

Just remember, once you're over the hill, you begin to pick up speed.

Source http://www.rumormillnews.com/cgi-bin/forum.cgi?read=78980

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A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his coffee when he noticed an unusual Italian funeral procession.

A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 metres behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 300 men walking in single file.

The Jewish man could not stand his curiosity, so he respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said "I am so sorry for your loss and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen an Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?" "My wife's" said the man.

"What happened to her?"
"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her." He inquired further "But who is in the second hearse?"

"My mother-in-law, she came to help my wife and the dog turned on her and killed her also."

A very poignant and touching moment of Jewish and Italian brotherhood passed between the two men. The Jewish man then asked "Can I borrow the dog?"

The Italian man replied "Join the queue."

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One day the sheriff sees Billy-Bob walking around town with nothing on except his gun belt and his boots.

The sheriff says “Billy-Bob, what the hell are you doing walking around town dressed like that?”

Billy-Bob replies “Well sheriff, it’s a long story!”

Sheriff says he isn’t in a hurry and that Billy-Bob should tell the story.

Billy-Bob continues “Well sheriff, me and Mary-Lou was down on the farm and we started a cuddling. Mary-Lou said we should go in the barn and we did.” “Inside the barn we started a kissing and a cuddling and things got pretty hot and heavy, well Mary-Lou said that we should go up on the hill so we did.” “Up on the hill we started a kissing and a cuddling and the Mary-Lou took off all her clothes and said that I should do the same.
 

Well, I took off all my clothes except my gun belt and my boots. Then Mary-Lou lay on the ground and opened her legs and said “Okay Billy-Bob, go to town…”

 

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Hello! Is this Gordon's Pizza?
No sir, it's Google's Pizza.
Did I dial the wrong number?
No sir, Google bought the pizza store.
Oh, alright - then I'd like to place an order please.
Okay sir, do you want the usual?
The usual? You know what my usual is?
According to the caller ID, the last 15 times you've ordered a 12-slice with double-cheese, sausage, and thick crust.
Okay - that's what I want this time too.
May I suggest that this time you order an 8-slice with ricotta, arugula, and tomato instead?
No, I hate vegetables.
But your cholesterol is not good.
How do you know?
Through the subscribers guide. We have the results of your blood tests for the last 7 years.
Maybe so, but I don't want the pizza you suggest – I already take medicine for high cholesterol.
But you haven't taken the medicine regularly. 4 months ago you purchased from Drugsale Network a box of only 30 tablets.
I bought more from another drugstore.
It's not showing on your credit card sir.
I paid in cash.
But according to your bank statement you did not withdraw that much cash.
I have another source of cash.
This is not showing on your last tax form, unless you got it from an undeclared income source.
WHAT THE HECK? ENOUGH!
I'm sick of Google, Facebook, Twitter, and WhatsApp.
I'm going to an island without internet, where there's no cellphone line, and no one to spy on me ...
I understand sir, but you'll need to renew your passport ... it expired 5 weeks ago.

 

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