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phillipbbg

JOKES just some light relief....

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And that's when the fight started...  ;D

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....

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AUSTRALIAN LETTER - I think the sender might have been upset!

This is an actual letter sent to the DFAT (Department of Foreign Affairs and Trade) Immigration Minister.

The Government tried desperately to censure the author, but got nowhere because every legal person who read it couldn’t stop laughing !

Dear Mr Minister,

I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this. How is it that K-Mart has my address and telephone number, and knows that I bought a television set and golf clubs and condoms from them back in 1997, and yet the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born

and on what date ?

For Pete's sake, do you guys do this by hand ?

My birth date you have in my Medicare information, and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 40 years. It is also on my driver's licence, on the last eight passports I've ever had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off planes over the past 30 years. It's also on all those insufferable census forms that I've filled out every 5 years since 1966.

Also... would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Audrey, my father's name is Jack, and I'd be absolutely bloody astounded if that ever

changed between now and when I drop dead !!!

SHIT! What do you people do with all this information we keep having to provide? I apologize, Mr. Minister. But I'm really pissed off this morning. Between you and me, I've had enough of all this bullshit!

You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my bloody address!

What the hell is going on with your mob? Have you got a gang of mindless Neanderthal arseholes working there!

And another thing, look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I can't even grow a beard for God's sakes. I just want to go to New Zealand and see my new granddaughter.  (Yes, my son interbred with a Kiwi girl).  And would someone please tell me, why would you give a shit whether or not I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? In the unlikely event I ever got the urge to do something weird to a sheep or a horse, believe you me, I'd sure as hell not want to tell anyone!

Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other side of Sydney , and get another bloody copy of my birth certificate - and to part with another $80 for the privilege of

accessing MY OWN INFORMATION!

Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot, to assist in the issuance of a new passport on the same day? Nooooo…that'd be too bloody easy and makes far too much sense. You would much prefer to have us running all over the bloody place like chickens with our heads cut off, and then having to find some 'high-society' wanker to confirm

that it's really me in the goddamn photo! You know the photo... the one where we're not allowed to smile?...you bloody morons.

Signed - An Irate Australian Citizen.

P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture, and getting someone in 'high-society' to confirm that it's me?  Well, my family has been in this country since before 1820! In 1856, one of my forefathers took up arms with Peter Lalor.  (You do remember the Eureka Stockade!)

I have also served in both the CMF and regular Army for something over 30 years (I went to Vietnam in 1967), and still have high security clearances. I'm also a personal friend of the president of the RSL....Lt General Peter Cosgrove sends me a Christmas card each year.

However, your rules require that I have to get someone "important" to verify who I am; you know...someone like my doctor - WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN BLOODY PAKISTAN!...a country where they either

assassinate or hang their ex-Prime Ministers - and are suspended from the Commonwealth and United Nations for not having the "right sort of government"..

You are all pen-pushing paper-shuffling bloody idiots!

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It is all about money.. Nothing but money..

As long as the gov get its money it don't care..

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phillipbbg, how outrageous that they are doing to you exactly as they are doing to us. i bet if we checked this behavior is global. bastards!!!

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Phil mate after the day i have had, your letter has put a huge smile on my face.

Thank you so much for raiding the library once again.  :)

Icanseeatoms.

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More... And that's how the fight started....

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.

But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,

making beer.. Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing

scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into

the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again

I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, "When you finish cutting the

grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

And that's how the fight started...

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

________________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the

boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential

downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather

would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back;

now with a different anticipation,

and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

_______________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And that's how the fight started......

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george and marcy were in the living room watching tv and a commercial came on proposing all the benefits of vaginal reconstruction surgery,rejuvenation. george popped off " hey marcy you get that done and i'll pay gladly for it."

marcy ran up the stairs crying to her room and slammed the door.

20 minutes later george hears her bedroom door open and marcy coming down the stairs.

george turned and sees marcy on the stairs fully dolled up. skirt, make up, hair, jewelry and pulling her silk gloves up. george yells "WHERE DO YOU THINK YOUR GOING?" marcy replied " out to get a second opinion!"

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Not sure if this has run or not, I don't read much of this thread unfortunately, so here goes:

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

BARACK OBAMA:  The chicken crossed the road because it was time for change! The chicken wanted change!

JOHN McCAIN:  My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

SARAH PALIN:  The chicken crossed the road because -- gosh-darn it -- he's a maverick!

HILLARY CLINTON:  When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One that every chicken in this country gets the chance it  deserves to cross the road.  But then, this really isn't about me....

GEORGE W. BUSH:  We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

DICK CHENEY:  Where's my gun?

COLIN POWELL:  Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

BILL CLINTON:  I did not cross the road with that chicken.

AL GORE:  I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY:  Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON:  Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens!

DR. PHIL:  The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him

realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.

OPRAH:  Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this

chicken a NEW CAR so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER, CNN:  We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE:  That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN:  To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART:  No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR. SEUSS:  Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY:  To die in the rain, alone.

JERRY FALWELL:  Because the chicken was gay!  Can't you people see the plain truth? That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay, too.  I say we

boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the Liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side.' That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.

GRANDPA:  In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

BARBARA WALTERS:  Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong

dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE:  It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.

JOHN LENNON:  Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together - in peace.

BILL GATES:  I have just released eChicken2010, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2010.  This new platform is

much more stable and will never reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN:  Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS:  Did I miss one?

                                     

and my favourite ... why did the sexual deviate cross the road?  because his c*ck was stuck in the chicken

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Not sure if this has run or not, I don't read much of this thread unfortunately, so here goes:

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

BARACK OBAMA:  The chicken crossed the road because it was time for change! The chicken wanted change!

JOHN McCAIN:  My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

SARAH PALIN:  The chicken crossed the road because -- gosh-darn it -- he's a maverick!

HILLARY CLINTON:  When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One that every chicken in this country gets the chance it  deserves to cross the road.  But then, this really isn't about me....

GEORGE W. BUSH:  We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

DICK CHENEY:  Where's my gun?

COLIN POWELL:  Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

BILL CLINTON:  I did not cross the road with that chicken.

AL GORE:  I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY:  Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON:  Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens!

DR. PHIL:  The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him

realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.

OPRAH:  Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this

chicken a NEW CAR so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER, CNN:  We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE:  That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN:  To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART:  No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR. SEUSS:  Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY:  To die in the rain, alone.

JERRY FALWELL:  Because the chicken was gay!  Can't you people see the plain truth? That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay, too.  I say we

boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the Liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side.' That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.

GRANDPA:  In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

BARBARA WALTERS:  Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong

dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE:  It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.

JOHN LENNON:  Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together - in peace.

BILL GATES:  I have just released eChicken2010, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2010.  This new platform is

much more stable and will never reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN:  Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS:  Did I miss one?

                                     

and my favourite ... why did the sexual deviate cross the road?  because his c*ck was stuck in the chicken

My personal favorite that I JUSt made up just now:

Giorgio A. Tsoukalos : It was an ALIEN chicken on his way to his sekrit ancient building site to get his ship and fly home....

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I'm fine

A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company..

In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy.

'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'asked the solicitor..

Paddy responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

Paddy said, 'Well, I'd just got Bessie into da trailer and I was drivin' down da road.... '

The solicitor interrupted again and said,'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident,

this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client.

I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. '

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Paddy's answer and said to the solicitor:

'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.

Paddy thanked the Judge and proceeded..'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow,

into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop

sign and hit me trailer right in da side. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder..

By Jaysus I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move..

However, I could hear old Bessie moanin' and groanin'. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.

Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' too, so he went over to her.

After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feelin'?'

'Now wot da fock would you say?'

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I wrote this up as a joke might just end up using it yet!

Possible descriptive introduction to new novel

There is something almost prosaic about the Darwinian theory of evolution which denies the reality of the magic within. If one didn’t know better it is almost as if it was designed to take ones eye off the ball.  Of course one would have to loose oneself in a minefield of conspiratorial ideas to come to that conclusion. Everyone knows how it works, this theory we are taught at school, it’s a numbers game right? Roll the dice enough times and you will surely have a ‘six’ turn up ten trillion times in a row. 

It’s been proven hasn’t it? Of course it has, it must have been after all there are thousands of learned men and woman teaching this idea to kids all over the world. Not to mention the hundreds of scientific journals expounding the facts of such a proven event. Why am I even suggesting it’s a conspiracy? Such foolish ideas should never see the light of day it’s unscientific to think outside the box.

Scientifically you must know the answer before you go looking for it. It’s the only way there is to prove a theory is correct, you must never be blinded by facts when you are designing a theory. You must run with your first thoughts and to hell with anything that may pop up from time to time to shoot your theory down. Once written up in a book and accepted there’s an end to it. It’s done deal, god I love science and its logic.     

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The Darwin’s are out!!!!  ?Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us. ??Here is the glorious winner:??

1. When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California  would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked. ??And now, the honorable mentions:??

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger.. The chef's claim was approved.??

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her

.??4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.??

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

??6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. [if someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]??

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly.. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape...??

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."??

9.. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast... The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]??

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street by sucking on a hose, he got much more than he bargained for.. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had. ??

In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with friends and family....unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost. ??*** Remember.... They walk among us, they can reproduce, and they vote!!!!!

Something to Offend Everyone

Tasmanian couple walking out of the divorce court, the wife is crying her

heart out.

Husband says ' Oh for fuck's sake stop crying, you're still my sister'

_______________________________

My ex-wife asked what reincarnation is.  I explained, when you die you come

back as something else.

She said she wanted to come back as a pig.

I said, 'You're not fucking listening'

____________________________________________

Was depressed last night, rang lifeline.  Got a call centre in Afghanistan ,

told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

_______________________________________________

I am going to watch my wedding video in reverse later.  I love the part

where she takes her ring off and walks down the isle backwards, gets in the

car and fucks off.

_________________________________________________

Today an Abo was found nailed to a tree, stabbed six times and shot twice.

Redfern police said it's the worst case of suicide they had ever seen.

______________________________________________

A car bomb was found outside Lakemba mosque today.  Police have urged the

public not to panic as they have managed to push it inside the mosque.

__________________________________________________

Woman goes into a shoe shop and sees a gorgeous pair of white stilettos.

She asks what are they made of.

The assistant said they were made from human skin and cost $1500.00 a pair.

The woman said she could not afford that.  The assistant said  'Don't worry,

we have them in black for $4.99.

______________________________________________________

Woman in labour, shouting and screaming as usual, 'get this out of me, give

me drugs'.

She turns to the boyfriend and says 'You did this to me you fucker'.  He

replied casually,

'If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your arse but you said, 'Fuck off,

it'll be too painful',

8)

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A llama was kicked off the farm. He says ok, alpaca my bags

Let the groaning begin ;D

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Nurses aren't supposed to laugh...

"Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse.

"I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient..."

"Okay then," said Bob, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest male part the nurse had ever seen.

In length and width was almost identical to a AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out...

And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing.

Feeling very bad that she had laughed at the man's part, she composed herself as well as she could.

"I am so sorry," she said..

"I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise that won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Bob replied.

She ran out of the room

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A friend sent me this...

No wonder our Country is in the mess that it is in.

FROM A DC airport ticket agent-must read!

This is priceless funny stuff; but alas, is only a small indication

of how much trouble our country is in.

A DC airport ticket agent offers some examples of  'why' our country is

in trouble:

1.  I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter) ask for an

aisle seat so that

her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an

airplane!)

2.  I got a call from a Kansas Congressman's (Moore) staffer (Howard

Bauleke), who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight

and the passport information, and then he interrupted me with, ''I'm not trying to make you look

stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts....''

Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained,

''Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa ''

his response -- click.

3.  A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called, furious about

a Florida package

      we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He

said he was expecting an

      ocean-view room. I tried t o explain that's not possible, since

Orlando is in the middle of the state.

He replied, 'don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very

thin state!'' (OMG)

4.  I got a call from a lawmaker's wife (Landra Reid) who asked, ''Is it

possible to see England from Canada ?''

I said, ''No.''

She said, ''But they look so close on the map.'' (OMG, again!)

5.  An aide for a cabinet member(Janet Napolitano) once called and asked

if he could rent a car inDallas.

I pulled up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in

Dallas. When I asked him why he

wanted to rent a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas was a big airport, and

we will need a car to drive between

gates to save time.'' (Aghhhh)

6.  An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky)  called last week. She

needed to know how it

was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m, and got to

Chicago at 8:33 a.m.

I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she

couldn't understand

  the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast,

and she bought that.

7.  A New York lawmaker, (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked, ''Do

airlines put your physical description

on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?'' I said, 'No,

why do you ask?'

He replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag

on my luggage

that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!''

After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was

dying laughing). I came back

and explained the city code for Fresno, Ca. is (FAT - Fresno Air

Terminal), and the airline was

just putting a destination tag on his luggage.

8.  A Senator John Kerry aide (Lindsay Ross) called to inquire about a

trip package to Hawaii.

After going over all the cost info, she asked, ''Would it be cheaper to

fly to California

and then take the train to Hawaii ?''

9.  I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, Bobby Bright

from Ala who asked,

''How do I know which plane to get on?''

I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told my

flight number is 823,

but none of these planes have that number on them.''

10.  Senator Dianne Feinstein called and said, ''I need to fly to

Pepsi-Cola, Florida.

Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?''

I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, FL on a commuter plane.

She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''

11. Mary Landrieu, La. Senator called and had a question about the

documents she needed

in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I

reminded her that she

  needed a visa. 'Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and

never had to have one of those.''

I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa. When I told

her this she said,

''Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted

my American Express!''

12. A New Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make reservations,

''I want to go from

Chicago to Rhino, New York.''

I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the

name of the town?''

'Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the man.

After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, sir, I've looked up

every airport code

in the country and can't find a rhino anywhere."

''The man retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is.

Check your map!''

So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ''You

don't mean Buffalo, do you?''

The reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.''

Now you know why the Government is in the shape that it's in!

Could anyone be this DUMB?

YES, THEY WALK AMONG US, ARE IN POLITICS,

AND THEY CONTINUE TO BREED..

I don't write it, I just offer it for your consideration.

Like manure, you just gotta spread it around.

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More from "and that's how the fight started..."

 

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

 

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

 

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

 

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

 

And that's how the fight started...

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This should put a smile on your dials....

 

http://www.youtube.com/embed/Uv2fVaHSISw?rel=0

 

God this system is frustrating some days it will embed and others it just won't... Grrr

 

http://www.youtube.com/embed/Uv2fVaHSISw?rel=0

 

OFFS

 

http://www.youtube.com/embed/Uv2fVaHSISw?rel=0

 

CLICK ON THE FRIGGIN LINK ITS WORTH WATCHING................................

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uv2fVaHSISw

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Good one Phil---------------thought I'd try one to see if your just not holding your mouth right when you post :lol:

 

 

 

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When the white missionaries came to
Africa
they had the Bible and we had the land. They said 'Let us pray.' We closed our eyes. When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land.

Desmond Tutu

 

America
is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.

David Letterman

 

I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. Dammit, I'm a billionaire.

Howard Hughes

 

 

After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.

Italian proverb

 

Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.

Betsy Salkind

 

The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats.

Jean Kerr

 

I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage.

Zsa Zsa Gabor

 

 

You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't.

Jeff Foxworthy

 

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.

Prince Philip

 

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.

Emo Philips.

 

 

Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.

Harrison Ford

 

The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree.

Spike Milligan

 

 

Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke.

Robin Hall

 

 

Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror.

Jean Rostand.

 

 

Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million.

Arnold
Schwarzenegger.

 

We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.

W.H. Auden

 

 

In hotel rooms I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.

Jonathan Katz

 

 

If life were fair Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.

Johnny Carson

 

 

I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very skeptical.

Arthur C Clarke

 

 

Hollywood
must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.

Steve Martin

 

 

Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.

Jimmy Durante

 

As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.

John Glenn

 

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat?

Steven Wright

 

 

America
is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.

Doug Hamwell

 

The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.

George Roberts

 

If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport

Jonathan Winters

 

 

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

Robert Benchley

 

 

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Ok here's my Friday Funny....I thought it was hysterical but I must admit a collective groan went around the office when I shared ;D

 

One day a man goes to a bee keeper to get some bees as he has decided to start his own hive

 

The beekeeper says he will sell the man 10 bees to start his hive and gives them to him in a jar

 

The man notices that there are actually 11 bees in the jar and being the honest type of guy that he is says "mate you have given me 11 bees here, not 10"

 

The beekeeper says.........."that's ok it's a Free Bee"......hehehe.....get it, lolololol

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