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phillipbbg

JOKES just some light relief....

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OMG phillip and NexEd, those links gave me teas!!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! 

(Gasp) Ahhh....

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

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A Buddhist, a Taoist and a Christian sat by a stream contemplating. As a bug flew over the surface of the water a fish suddenly jumped up and ate him. The Buddhist said, "This bug probably had been chewing on an innocent tree's leaves and this is his karma unfolding." The Taoist replied, "If the bug had never lost the Tao, he would have had no need for physical food and thus no karma at all." Finally, the Christian tried to explain to them what happened, but they could not comprehend the wisdom of his words, his mouth was full of Big Mac.

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    Spanish Computer

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'

'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

 

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

   

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

    The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:

    1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

 

                    2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

                    3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

 

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

 

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Ha!

Good one,KMRIA.

Reminds me of a time when a bunch of us in college got really drunk and decided it was a good idea to go play football.

A few of us ended up either in the hospital or in jail.

Good times.

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Ok, this seems like some serious shit but is so funny if you watch it to the end, and at the same time it says kind of all that one needs to say about the arrogance of those who think they are superior,,,,, LOL

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1960 Hits Renamed

Some of the artists of the 60?s are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers who can remember doing the “Limbo” as if it were yesterday.

They include:

Bobby Darin —

Splish, Splash, I Was Havin’ A Flash

Herman’s Hermits —

Mrs. Brown, You’ve Got a Lovely Walker

Ringo Starr —

I Get By With A Little Help From Depends

The Bee Gees —

How Can You Mend A Broken Hip?

Roberta Flack—

The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face

Johnny Nash —

I Can’t See Clearly Now

Paul Simon—

Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver

The Commodores —

Once, Twice, Three Times To The

Bathroom

Procol Harem—

A Whiter Shade Of Hair

Leo Sayer —

You Make Me Feel Like Napping

The Temptations —

Papa’s Got A Kidney Stone

Abba—

Denture Queen

Tony Orlando —

Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear

Me Fall

Helen Reddy —

I Am Woman; Hear Me Snore

Leslie Gore—

It’s My Procedure,and I’ll Cry If I Want To

And Last, but NOT least:

Willie Nelson —

On the Commode Again

and now I know you need a laugh...

World's most Funny Cats.

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Irrefutable logic about physical fitness?

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life.  Is this true?

A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise.  Everything wear out eventually..  Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster.  Want to live longer?  Take nap. 

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake? 

A:  No, not at all.  Wine made from fruit.  Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way.  Beer also made of grain.  Bottom up!

Q: How  can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one.  If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.

Q: What  are some of  the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of single one, sorry.  My philosophy is: No pain...good!

         

Q:  Aren't fried foods bad for you? 

A:  YOU NO LISTEN!  Food are fried these day in vegetable oil.  In fact, they permeated by it.  How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!? 

Q:  Will  sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not!  When you exercise muscle, it get bigger.  You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach. 

Q:  Is chocolate bad for me?

A:  Are you crazy?!?  HEL-LO-O!!  Cocoa bean!  Another vegetable!  It best feel-good food around!

Q:  Is swimming good for your figure? 

A:  If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me..

Q:  Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?

A:  Hey!  'Round' is shape! 

Well... I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And  remember: 

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"

   

AND.....

For  those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health.  It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies. 

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans..

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

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OK enough end of world stuff lets get down to what really matters in the universe.... I hope this starts or ends your day with a gut splitting laugh if not well lighten up....  ;)

FARTING AT THE BEACH

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A friend sent me this...don't know who to attribute it too...

This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade. So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing and cares less tries to make your life miserable.

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

" Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.. You're crazy to go to Rome . So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome'sTiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.

Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome .

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"

He said: "Who mucked up your hair?"

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A blonde guy goes to the big football game, he has great seats on

the 50 yard line, 8 rows up, perfect.

Just before kickoff he hears someone behind him yelling,

"Arnold, we're up here, Arnold!"

He turns around and misses the kickoff! A short while later, just

as the quarterback throws a long bomb, the same guy starts

yelling,

"Hey Arnold, we're up here, Arnold!!"

Again he turns around and again he misses the play

This goes on for every big play. He hears the guy shouting,

"Hey Arnold, look up here!" He turns around and misses the play.

Finally, fuming mad, he turns around, pulls out his binoculars

and scans the crowd for the guy doing all the yelling. He

eventually spots him, after missing yet another big play. He runs

up the stands, nearly to the top of the stadium. Pulls the guy

out into the aisle, picks him up by the lapels and shouts,

"Shut-up, my name isn't Arnold!!"

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Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid. - Albert Einstein

post-1932-1375909695696_thumb.jpg

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Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid. - Albert Einstein

I love the quote and the illustration, thanks narnug  :)

@ Arc rofl ... but I've actually experienced this a lot. People will address an issue when in fact you weren't even talking about or to them.

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Some very Aussie humour

( I remember working in inner city Sydney and every day I'd walk past a certain spot and there was something that bothered me about it.

One day I stopped and had a really good look.

The - - - -line that marked a large parking area had a very nicely painted pair of scissors at the end.  ;D)

Eventuall A drover, who just moved to Queensland from Victoria walks into a

bar and orders 3 glasses of XXXX.

He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in

turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar

and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the drover, "You know, a glass goes

flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you

bought one at a time." The cattleman replies, "Well, you see, I have

two brothers. One's in 'Tassie', the other one's a 'sandgroper'.

"When we all left our home in Echuca', we promised

that we'd drink this way to remember the days when

we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers

and one for myself." The bartender admits that this

is a nice custom and leaves it there.

The drover becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same

way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs.

All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to

the bar for the second round, the bartender says,

"I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my

condolences on your loss." The drover looks quite puzzled

for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no,

everybody's just fine," he explains. "It's just that my

wife and I joined the Salvation Army and I had to quit drinking."

"Hasn't affected my brothers though."

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A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to revel a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand

up her leg. The nun said,”Father, remember

Psalm 129?” The priest removed his hand.

But,changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said,

“Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest

apologized “Sorry sister but the flesh is

weak.”

Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her  way. On his arrival at the church,the priest

rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said,

“Go

forth and seek, further up, you will find

glory.”

Moral of the story: If you are not well

informed in your job, you might miss out on a great opportunity .

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Only in America  arrrghhh gonna have to type this out  LOL

BEST LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE, AND PROBABLY EVEN CENTURY

Charlotte, North Carolina. A lawyer purchased a box of very expensive cigars, and then insured them against, among other things, fire.

Within a month having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, and without 

yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim the lawyer claimed the cigars were lost in a series of small fires. 

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued and WON.

(stay with me)

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous.  The judge stated nevertheless that the lawyer held a policy from the insurance company, which it had warranted the cigars were insurable and had also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered unacceptable fire, and

was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars, "lost in fires".

NOW FOR THE BEST PART

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON.

With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case, being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This is a true story and was the First Place Winner in the recent Criminal Lawyer's Award Contest.

Only in America!!

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Neighbor:  "Hello, is this the Police?"

Police: "Yes. What do you want?"

Neighbor:  "I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."

Police:  "Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the Police descend on Billy’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy and left.

The phone rings at Billy's house

Neighbor: "Hey, Billy Bob! Did the Police come?"

Billy Bob: "Yeah!"

Neighbor:  "Did they chop your firewood?"

Billy Bob:  "Yep."

Neighbor:  "Merry Christmas, Buddy"

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