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phillipbbg

JOKES just some light relief....

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Feeling delighted!
Just bought my Christmas Tree from the market and the man said if i gave it plenty of light and water, he would even and come and take it away for me come January! 
What a great deal and what a nice young man he was!!!

 

 

My 31 year old son just came home, never seen him so excited about a christmas tree before.

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A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him...He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. 'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps in to the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?
The husband ...looks up from his coffee, 'It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met'. She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up. The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 16,' he says solemnly. Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. 'Yes, I do' she replies.
The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily. 'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'
'Yes, I remember' said the wife, lowering herself in to a chair beside him. The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said,' Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years?'
'I remember that, too' she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said 'I would have gotten out today.'

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'I Have A Maid For That' People Share The Stupidest Thing They've Actually Had To Show Someone How To Do.

 

We've all been young and dumb, but at a certain point there are some very basic things you should know how to do. Laundry, washing dishes, how to use a can opener.

Here are some of the stupidest things people have had to explain to someone how to do.

1/25. Teenagers no longer know how to read analog clocks. I work in a library, and whenever someone asks the time, I point at the clock above the desk. Four out of the five kids can't read it.

Anonymous

2/25. I had to show a friend how to eat an orange without a knife before. He had an orange and couldn't open it, so I started it off, tore a bit of the peel off and gave it back to him to finish peeling it. Looked back a minute later and he was trying to eat the orange through the small tear I'd made in the skin. Juice was everywhere.

Average_Baker

3/25. Not exactly "stupidest", but it was definitely an eye-opener.

First day of class, freshman year in college. Sat down for lunch with an Indian guy who apparently had never seen a tea bag. It seems he was expecting loose-leaf tea in the little Lipton packet. After a few moments where he looked at it blankly, I showed him how to dip it, and let it steep.

The kicker was when he asked for the sugar. He was likely expecting a bowl of it. Upon receiving the container of little packets, he looked at them for a moment, then proceeded to grab one, and dip it into his cup exactly as he had done with the tea bag.

Looking back, I guess it was logical.

andrewplatham

4/25. The other day, the office manager was trying to send out a message on our mailing list program. She said, "How do I create a new email?"

I said, "See at the top, where it says 'Create email'?"

"Oh... Where do I put in the email name?"

I said, "See at the top, where it says 'Email name'?"

"Oh... Where do I select which email list to send it to?"

I said, "See at the top, where it says 'Email list'?"

And on and on and on, for twenty minutes. The instructions are all right there, but she refused to read anything. As some engineer once said, make it idiot-proof, and they'll just build a better idiot.

captainmagictrousers

5/25. In 3rd grade my mom had to make an address book for our small school. This is how the conversation went:

Mom: "DANG IT I screwed up the addresses again."

Proceeds to delete said messed up addresses and retype them in appropriate spots

Me: "Why don't you just cut and paste mom?"

Mom: "Wha- I am using a computer sweetheart not craft supplies."

Me: "......"

Yachtze

6/25. How to double-click on a desktop icon.

Click twice please... a bit faster please... a tad faster... wait for it to load as she clicks on the icon 10 times in rapid succession.

Fract04

7/25. Measure their child for a six flags height requirement.

She kept holding her daughter above the ground so she would be at the line. It ended with her telling me to shut up and being escorted off the ride.

AllyGambit

8/25. Start of freshman year we were doing conditioning for football.

Now I went to a magnet school, so the people who were in the school were not exactly contributing much to our sports teams, but this individual was at another level below everyone else in terms of athleticism. It wasn't that he was obese, he just had never done anything athletic in his life.

The coach tells us to do the ski jump drill (for those of you who don't know you jump side to side over a line for a set amount of time. It can get very taxing after a few minutes).

This one kid goes up to the coach and tells him he doesn't know how to jump. After the coach got over his dumbfounded look, the coaches had to take him to the curb of the sidewalk and teach him how to jump.

I understand a lack of athleticism, but this was incredible. Really people get outside sometimes!

ninetimesoutaten

9/25. This is stupid and sad at the same time.

There was an elderly lady (70+) bothering the cashier at the corner gas station about the air pump not working. I offered to help her figure out what was wrong. I took her quarters, ran the pump, and filled her tires.

When I was done she burst into tears. Her recently deceased husband had always taken care of everything for her. She couldn't pump gas, check her fluids or do even the most basic car care for herself. I got her to follow me to my home where I gave her a car a complete checking, wrote her a list of basic repairs (brake pads, turn signal bulbs) and sent her to my mechanic with a note from me.

Mechanic friend calls laughing 20 minutes later saying the lady was referring to me as a nice fat lesbian. I was 8 months pregnant!

Moral for the ladies: Don't underestimate your abilities.

Anonymous

10/25. Turn the shower water onto hot.

Seriously, my roommate spent our entire first semester taking cold showers. I felt like a god teaching her how to turn the knob 30 more degrees to the right for HOT WATER.

uruviel08

11/25. My mother in law, bless her heart, is an idiot. Anyway, she came to visit us in Austin in January. It's chilly, as are many places in the northern hemisphere in January. She flew into San Antonion and drove up to Austin in a rental - about a 2 hour drive. Anyway, she gets here and tells my husband that the heat is broken in her rental car.

It was freezing cold the entire drive. He gets in, takes a look, and says it seems to be working fine. She says "but you didn't push the snowflake?" She had pushed the "snowflake" button (i.e. the one that turns the AC on) and turned the little lever all the way to the blue section on the blue/red scale, then drove for 2 hours with the AC pumping at full blast. She thought you pushed the snowflake to tell the car you were cold, then pushed the lever to blue to show the car how cold you were.

This was not her first time in a car or seeing these symbols. You know, the symbols that are designed to be universal and able to be understood by anybody regardless of literacy. She just never understood them the first 55 years of her life or so.

tah4349

12/25. How to actually turn on a computer and TV.

My granddad never knows what a power button looks like and just starts yelling at the appliance to turn on until someone does it for him. It's pretty effective actually...

jweezy3

13/25. How to make top ramen. As a subset of that, she didn't understand how to boil water.

In the end, she burnt it, which I didn't think was possible.

soneverkickadog

14/25. College English class:

Professor says: Turn to (insert short story title here)"

Student says: "What page is it on"?

I say: "Use the Table of Contents."

Student says " Where is it?"

I say: "In the front of the book, it's the first few pages."

Student proceeds to receive a short tutorial on how to use a book.

This was a junior level class and I was a sophomore.

Anonymous

15/25. Not me, but I'm a manager at Panera and this girl was training to work on the sandwich line.

A customer goes up to and ask for mayonnaise because we ran outta of the packets. I yell over to one of the guys to get me a side of mayo from the sandwich line, but then I remember that I have to make sure this girl knows how to do certain things too.

So, I add "And show her how to put the mayo in the cup" and he goes "Alright, so first you get the cup and then you get the mayonnaise" and the dish guy in the back chimes in "Don't forget to tell her to put the mayonnaise in the cup, that part's important too".

I need to work on my management style.

robschn
16/25. Boil water. I literally had to stand there and tell her when there were enough bubbles.

thoughthungry
17/25. I was walking through a parking lot once and an elderly woman in a Mercedes pulled up and asked me if I could help her with her air conditioning.

She proceeded to get out of the car, ask me to sit in the drivers seat, and turn it on for her. The AC was fully functional, she just had no idea how to use it.

WhiteGrapeGames

18/25. Move a mouse. Literally my grandma never figured out how to move the mouse. She just stopped using the computer I setup for her.

JustALilWhale

19/25. Open a soda can. I have no clue how, but one of my exes didn't know how to open it. I handed her a soda, and about half hour later, I realized that she hadn't opened it. I asked her why, and she whispers to me "I don't know how to open it." Many laughs were had.

WhatTheHeckman_
20/25. How to put on mattress cover. She usually has the maid to do it for her and she is 18.

iamGenius

21/25. Now open the jar. The lid. The lid. The lid. The lid.

josh97d182

22/25. I've worked in kitchens for years. I've worked with a fair number of 15-16-17-18 year old kids who have no idea how to do basic tasks like wash dishes, scrub pans, sweep the floor, peel potatoes, one kid didn't even know how to put a pan of water on to boil, and another kid didn't know what onions looked like. It could get quite depressing after a while.

uncle_monty
23/25. Showed my 27 year old brother how to use a can opener. I let him struggle for a good 5 minutes just for the laughs though.

itsmysky77

24/25. As a math tutor at a university, I once had to show two students how to add.

Soupy_Poopy

25/25. My husband's sister moved in with us when she was 16 and I had to explain that if you put dishes in the dishwasher with the lids on them, they weren't going to get clean.

"Oh. Really?"

Anonymous

 

 

Source:  tickld     http://tinyurl.com/htn32dg

 

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A Man Who Smelled Like Beer & Had Lipstick All Over His Face Sat Next To A Priest. Their Conversation Is Hysterical.

 

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a bus seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."


"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.

"I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does." 

 

Source:   http://tinyurl.com/znq5fwg

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*STRICTLY FOR MEN ONLY*
(But as usual the ladies will read it too)

Laughter...great start to begin a new year !

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
~By Lee Majors

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
~By Al Gore

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
~By Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things and prevents us from achieving them.
~By Mike Tyson

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?
~By George Clooney

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
~By Bill Clinton

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays."
~By George W. Bush

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
~By Rudy Giuliani

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
~By Michael Jordan

"I've had bad luck with all my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn’t.” The third gave me more children!
~By Donald Trump

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
~By Shaquille O’Neal

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
~By Kobe Bryant

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
~By David Hasselhoff

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
~By Alec Baldwin

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
~By Barack Obama

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
~By Tommy Lee

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
~By Brad Pitt

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy : "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
~ By Jimmy Kimmel

“Honey, what happened to ‘ladies first’?” Husband replies, “That’s the reason why the world’s a mess today, because a lady went first!”
~By David Letterman

“First there’s the promise ring, then the engagement ring, then the wedding ring...soon after....comes SuffeRing!
~By Jay Leno

"The reason why wives live longer is because they don't have a Wife"
~By Brandon Breezy

Forward this to all the guys to give them a good laugh .......and to the ladies with good sense of humour who can handle it!!!!!!!

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Friday joke

How dogs are better than men
10. Dogs understand what "no" means.
9. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas.
8. Dogs are easy to buy for.
7. You can train a dog.
6. Dogs do not play games with you-except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw.)
5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
4. Dogs admit when they're jealous.
3. Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong.
2. Dogs miss you when you're gone.
1. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.

********

Ten reasons why a dog is better than a woman
10. A dog's parents will never visit you.
9. A dog loves you when you leave your clothes on the floor.
8. A dog limits its time in the bathroom to a quick drink.
7. A dog never expects you to telephone.
6. A dog will not get mad at you if you forget its birthday.
5. A dog does not care about the previous dogs in your life.
4. A dog does not get mad at you if you pet another dog.
3. A dog never expects flowers on Valentine's Day.
2. The later you are, the happier a dog is to see you.
1. A dog does not shop.

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A young pet monkey had an accident and needed a brain transplant. The veterinarian told the monkey's human family, "Brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the cost yourselves."
"Well, how much does a brain cost?" asked the family.
"For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000," replied the vet.
All the men in the family nodded because they thought they understood. But the mother was unsatisfied and asked, "Why the difference in price between male and female brains?"
"Standard pricing practice," said the vet. "The female brains have to be marked down because they’ve actually been used!"
•••


A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the Bush and hopped around the crashed car.
The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I wish you could talk." The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down.
"You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer. Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.
"Well, did you see this?"
"Yes," motioned the monkey.
"What happened?"
The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.
"They were drinking?" asked the officer.
"Yes," nodded the monkey.
"What else?" asked the officer.
The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth, sucking inward quickly.
"They were smoking marijuana too?" said the officer.
"Yes," nodded the monkey.
"What else?" queried the officer.
The monkey motioned with his fingers...
"Having sex! They were having sex, too!?" asked the astounded officer.
"Yes," nodded the monkey.
"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and having sex before they wrecked?"
"Yes," the monkey nodded.
"What were you doing during all this?" asked the officer.
"Driving," motioned the monkey.

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The Quotes of Steven Wright:
1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ..... But she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever ... So far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

 

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After a church service little Johnny told the pastor "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money."

"Well thank you" the pastor replied "but why?"

"Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."

 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings.

Little Johnny, a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.

Later in the week his mother noticed him lying as though he were ill, and said "Johnny what is the matter?"

Little Johnny responded "I have a pain in my side, I think I'm going to have a wife."

 

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The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call on little Johnny, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But, eventually, his turn came.
Little Johnny walked up to the front of the class and, with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.
Well, the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnny had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.
"It's a period," reported Johnny.
"Well, I can see that," she said, "but what's so exciting about a period?"
"Damn if I know", said Johnny, "but, this morning, my sister said she missed one. Dad had a heart attack, Mom fainted, and the man next door shot himself!"

 

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An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter checks his dossier and not seeing his name there, accidentally sends him to Hell. It doesn't take long before the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell.
He soon begins to design and build improvements. Shortly thereafter, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators. Needless to say, the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day, God calls Satan and says: "So, how are things in Hell?"
Satan replies: "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators. And there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
"What!" God exclaims: "You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have been sent to Hell. Send him to me."
"Not a chance," Satan replies: "I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him!"
God insists: "Send him back or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers: "Yeah, right. And where are you going to get a lawyer?

 

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A hypothetical situation where 20 CEO's board an airplane and are told that the flight that they are about to take is the first-ever to feature Pilot less technology: It is an un-crewed aircraft.


Each one of the CEO's is then told, privately, that their company's software is Aircraft's automatic pilot system. Nineteen of the CEO's promptly leave the aircraft, each offering a different type of excuse.


One CEO alone remains on board the jet, seeming very calm indeed, asked why he is so confident in this first un-crewed flight, he replies "If it is the same software that runs my company's IT systems, this plane won't even take off."


This is Confidence!

 

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At the pearly gates, St. Peter greeted a minister and congressman and gave them their room assignments.
"Pastor, here are the keys to one of our nicest efficiency units. And for you, Mr. Congressman, the keys to our finest penthouse suite."
"This is unfair!" cried the minister.
"Listen," St. Peter said, "ministers are a dime a dozen up here, but this is the first congressman we've ever seen."

At the pearly gates again, a taxi driver and minister are waiting in line. St. Peter consults his list and says to the taxi driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
St. Peter next greets the minister saying, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff while I get a cotton robe and wooden staff. How can this be?"
"Up here, we work by results," says St. Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."

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Car Keys- !!
They weren't in my pockets.

Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car.
Frantically, I headed for the parking lot....
My husband has scolded me many times for leaving my keys in the car's ignition.He's afraid that the car could be stolen.
As I looked around the parking lot, I realized he was right. The parking lot was empty! I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen. Then I made the most difficult call of all to my husband:
"I left my keys in the car and it's been stolen." There was a moment of silence. I thought the call had been disconnected, but then I heard his voice.
"Are you kidding me?" he barked,
"I dropped you off!"
Now it was my turn to be silent. Embarrassed, I said,
"Well, come and get me."
He retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this cop that I didn't steal your car!"
Welcome to the Golden Years

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Senior Trying To Set A Computer Password

WINDOWS: Please enter your new password.

USER: cabbage

...

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.

USER: boiled cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.

USER: 1 boiled cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.

USER: 50bloodyboiledcabbages

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.

USER: 50BLOODYboiledcabbages

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.

USER: 50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon't
GiveMeAccessN ow!

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.

USER: ReallyPissedOff50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUp
YourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow

WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use.

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WHO SAID FOOTBALLERS AREN'T INTELLIGENT?

My parents have always been there for me, ever since I was about 7." - David Beckham

"I would not be bothered if we lost every game as long as we won the league." - Mark Viduka

"If you don't believe you can win, there is no point in getting out of bed at the end of the day." - Neville Southall

"I've had 14 bookings this season - 8 of which were my fault, but 7 of which were disputable." - Paul Gascoigne

"I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona." - Mark Draper

"I'm as happy as I can be - but I have been happier.” - Ugo Ehiogu

"Leeds is a great club and it's been my home for years, even though I live in Middlesbrough." -Jonathan Woodgate

"I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel." - Stuart Pearce

"I took a whack on my left ankle, but something told me it was my right." - Lee Hendrie

"I couldn't settle in Italy - it was like living in a foreign country." - Ian Rush

"Germany are a very difficult team to play. They had 11 internationals out there today." - Steve Lomas

"I always used to put my right boot on first, and then obviously my right sock." - Barry Venison

"I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don't know into what religion yet" - David Beckham

"The Brazilians were South American, and the Ukrainians will be more European" - Phil Neville

"All that remains is for a few dots and commas to be crossed." - Mitchell Thomas

"One accusation you can't throw at me is that I've always done my best." - Alan Shearer

"I'd rather play in front of a full house than an empty crowd." - Johnny Giles

"Sometimes in football you have to score goals." - Thierry Henry..1f642.png:)..1f642.png

 

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