phillipbbg

JOKES just some light relief....

306 posts in this topic

I thought a thread with the odd bit of humour to lighten our days would be nice when the doom and gloom starts to reach into our souls... any additions welcome...

____________________________________________________________________________

SLEEPING WITH MICK

The guys were on a bike tour. No one wanted to room with Mick, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn ' t fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Mick and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.

They said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Mick snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy ' s turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.

They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, ' Man, that Mick shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."

The third night was Bill ' s turn. He was a tanned, older and a man ' s man.. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

"Good morning!" he said. They couldn ' t believe it.. They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Mick into bed, patted him on the arse, and kissed him good night on the lips. Mick sat up and watched me all night."  ;)

With age comes wisdom.

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The TRUE STORY of a MARRIED MAN

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.

Naturally, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Also naturally, my wife loves to browse.

Yesterday the dear girl received the following letter from our local Target store:

Dear Mrs. Harris ,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and are sending this letter to notify you that both you and your husband are from this day forward banned from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris , are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OHNO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'

One of the clerks passed out.

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Old men may walk slow BUT they think F A S T

An elderly man in the Australian Northern Territory had owned a large property for several years.

He had a dam in one of the lower paddocks where he had planted mango and avocado trees.

The dam had been fixed up for swimming when it was built and he also had some picnic tables placed there in the shade of the fruit trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the dam to look it over, as he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a ten litre bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the dam, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his dam.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the dam naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the crocodile..'

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3 tortoises,

Jim, Ray, and Geoff go for a picnic ten miles from where they live.

It takes them 10days to get there.

When they arrive they find they've forgotten the bottle opener.

Jim and Ray ask Geoff to fetch it.

Geoff says F**k off by the time I get back you will have eaten all the sandwiches.

Jim and Ray promise not to eat the sandwiches so Geoff agrees to go.

10 days pass and Geoff has not returned.......

20 days pass and Geoff still has not returned......

Jim and Ray are F**king starving but keep there promise not to eat the sandwiches.

25 days pass and they say F**k  it, we gonna starve if we dont eat.

They start to eat the sandwiches all of a sudden Geoff jumps out from behind a rock and shouts.

"I knew it you b##tards, I'm not going now".

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Smart Flight Attendant

A 50-something year old Muslim man arrived at his seat on a crowded flight

And immediately didn't want the seat. The seat was next to an elderly white

Woman reading her Bible.

Disgusted ... The Muslim man immediately summoned the flight attendant and

Demanded a new seat. The man said ... "I cannot sit here next to this

Infidel." The flight attendant said ... "Let me see if I can find another

Seat."

After checking ... The flight attendant returned and stated ... "There are

No more seats in economy ... But I will check with the captain and see if

There is something in first class."

About 10 minutes went by and the flight attendant returned and stated ...

"The captain has confirmed that there are no more seats in economy ... But

There is one in first class. It is our company policy to never move a person

From economy to first class ... But being that it would be some sort of

Scandal to force a person to sit next to an UNPLEASANT person ... The

Captain agreed to make the switch to first class."

Before the irate Muslim man could say anything ... The attendant gestured to

The elderly woman and said ... "Therefore ma'am ... If you would so kindly

Retrieve your personal items ... We would like to move you to the comfort of

First class as the captain doesn't want you to sit next to an unpleasant

Person."

Passengers in the seats nearby began to applaud while some gave a standing

Ovation. You just got to love Texas .

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Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze.

1st Hillbilly says: 'My wife sure is stupid!...She bought an air conditioner. '

2nd Hillbilly says: 'Why is that stupid?'

1st Hillbilly says: 'We ain't got no 'lectricity!'

2nd Hillbilly says: 'That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one ofthem new fangled warshin ' machines!'

1st Hillbilly says: 'Why is that so stupid?'

2nd Hillbilly says: ''Cause we ain't got no plummin'!'

3rd Hillbilly says: 'That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yerwifes put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fersome change, and I found 6 condoms in thar.'

1st and 2nd Hillbillies say: 'Well, what's so dumb about that?'

3rd Hillbilly says: 'She ain't got no dick!

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Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze.

1st Hillbilly says: 'My wife sure is stupid!...She bought an air conditioner. '

2nd Hillbilly says: 'Why is that stupid?'

1st Hillbilly says: 'We ain't got no 'lectricity!'

2nd Hillbilly says: 'That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one ofthem new fangled warshin ' machines!'

1st Hillbilly says: 'Why is that so stupid?'

2nd Hillbilly says: ''Cause we ain't got no plummin'!'

3rd Hillbilly says: 'That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yerwifes put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fersome change, and I found 6 condoms in thar.'

1st and 2nd Hillbillies say: 'Well, what's so dumb about that?'

3rd Hillbilly says: 'She ain't got no dick!

8) I Digg these type of thread  8)

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A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. if I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ and the 12 Apostles as J. C. and the boys

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"

12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's!

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There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a great huge, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it says the Biker?" menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, you whimp," the biker says, " I can’t stand to see a grown man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say.

"I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with another man and a dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all.  I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing!

But enough about me, how's your day going?"

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I come from a coastal town where men consider fishing to be the ultimate above all else so here goes ....

A man was out in his boat fishing and was having a great time, fish biting everywhere, he was in his glory, it was the best fishing day of his life.

His mobile phone rings and a doctor at the hospital tells him his wife has had a stroke and is fighting for her life, he needs to get there fast.

The man is torn, the fish are biting so well, perhaps he could just throw another couple of casts, it wouldn’t take too long and he would then go to his wife’s side.

Later the man arrives at the hospital and the doctor is furious.  You kept fishing didn’t you, whilst your wife was here struggling for life, you kept fishing.  Well, you will pay for that insensitivity and thoughtlessness, your wife will be disabled for the rest of her life, you will have to spend every waking minute caring for her and that will be your punishment for what you have done.

The man started crying and feeling so bad about putting his fishing before his wife’s needs.

The doctor slapped him on the back and said ‘Don’t worry mate, I am just joshing with you.  She’s dead – how many fish did you catch??’

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A Frenchman, an Englishman and an Irishman are drinking in a German bar.  A fly lands in the Frenchman's beer, and he pushes it away in disgust and request another.  A fly lands in the Englishman's drink, he plucks it out and continues drinking.  A fly lands in the Irishman's beer, he grabs it and shakes it over his glass, yelling, "Spit out it, blast you!  SPIT IT OUT!!!"

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The TRUE STORY of a MARRIED MAN

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.

Naturally, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Also naturally, my wife loves to browse.

Yesterday the dear girl received the following letter from our local Target store:

Dear Mrs. Harris ,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and are sending this letter to notify you that both you and your husband are from this day forward banned from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris , are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OHNO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'

One of the clerks passed out.

:) :) :)  OMG - that one had me LOLing so louding this morning....  HYSTERICAL!  Laughed until I had tears - thanks Nexus.  LOLOLOL.

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I have been in many

places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone.

You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in

Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in

Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have

made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.

I would like to go to

Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical

activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt.

That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

I've been in Flexible, but

only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable,

and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favorite places

to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up

the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

I may have been in

Continent, and I don't remember what country I was in. It's an age thing.

PLEASE DO YOUR

PART!

Today

is one of the many National Mental Health Days throughout the year. You

can do your bit by remembering to send an e-mail to at least one

unstable person. My job is done!

Life is too short for

negative drama and petty things. So laugh insanely, love truly and

forgive quickly!

From one unstable person

to another... I hope everyone is happy in your head - we're all doing

pretty good in mine!

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so many wise words mate not to sure whether they can be really applied when your banned

8/4 2012 

This you may find interesting I rarely go to others threads and only to day was I given a link to this thread by Acolite and I am astonished to find the above post, further what it relates to I have no idea, I can see its under my Avatar which double perplexes me , it does appear its out of text with the above jokes as if its popped in from another posting some where else a gremlin in the works

Further still I have enjoyed the jokes this time and if I was banned over that time how could I have made the above post and if I was to post I would have expressed my pleasure with same, so I am afraid its a perplexing quandary but I am able to alter the post so its on my Avatar very strange and I just wonder where else the phantom bulla is posting

bulla concerned dots     

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Three Holy Men and a Bear

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains to

the students of Northern Michigan University at Marquette in the Upper

Peninsula of Michigan.

They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk

shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all

that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would

all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it to their religion.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.

'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found

him, I began to read to him from the Catechism.

Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around.

So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of

God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to

give him first communion and confirmation.'

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both

legs in casts, and had an IV drip.

In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, 'WELL, brothers, you

KNOW that we Baptists don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me.

So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus..Hallelujah!

The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in

a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors

running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.

The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, ....circumcision may not

have been the best way to start."

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The TRUE STORY of a MARRIED MAN

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.

Naturally, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Also naturally, my wife loves to browse.

Yesterday the dear girl received the following letter from our local Target store:

Dear Mrs. Harris ,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and are sending this letter to notify you that both you and your husband are from this day forward banned from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris , are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OHNO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'

One of the clerks passed out.

Ok, sooo I was bored at work yesterday and decided to chage the dates (backed em up from yesterday), changed the lastname to mine (sorry u gotta guess lol) spoofed err created a bogus official sounding Wal-mart corporate email address (cough cough) oh and changed it from Target to wal-mart and then in my infinite wisdom sent this off to the wife... TODAY I spent the last 45 mins splaining to my lovely bride that it was a JOKE and NOT real!! She then demands to know WTF I do all day at work since I obviously couldn't be working while doing this cause It had to take FOREVER (took less than 15 mins maybe). After splaining everything to her she then demands to know how I know how to send a email from Wal-mart..I splain how to do it, she then figures that my certifications were gotten from a cracker-jack box and all I do in class is learn about ways to jack with her!! ROFLMAO <~~she no likee that either...

I'm not sure what my boss thought was funnier, the email or being in the dog house for tricking my wife, currently he is changing the name to HIS lastname and the store to probably bed bath and beyond (ya make more $ ya shop in the higher rent districts!)

Meanwhile I'm making reservations for a one of those extended stay hotels with a kitchenette! might need 2 beds tho  8)

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Look who I got for work experience ...

post-8-13759095232365_thumb.jpg

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Look who I got for work experience ...

lol Nexus ...  ;D ;D

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Love your hat, Nex. Is the hippie guy next to you, your boss?  :)

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Good one Phillip the Apollo clip Art emulating reality and funny its more real than life thanks mate it was a good laugh  and I cannot wait for the mars landing Video it should be a hoot as I want to see what happens to the parachute

And I have found a very perplexing post on your thread from bulla or is it ?

Bulla

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